The ‘V’ Tale

Once upon a time, (thats how tales start right?) Ok twendelee sio? Once upon a upon a time (Sio kitambo sana 4 years ago or so), ‘V’ lived life slow. He had this job that he reported to at 7 in the morning and left at 9 usiku. He used to take 2 matatus to get there. He worked 6 days a week and took a day off on Wednesdays. The Wednesdays were spent doing laundry (‘V’ hated it and still do but glad someone does it now), watching movies, catching strokes (This is where I add ‘V’ misses those days) or just bumming or taking roundie mwenda.

At one time, he was offered a Sunday day off. Not knowing what to do with himself since he was unaccustomed to Sundays, he went looking for a cousin for company and for catch up. As they strolled, ‘V’ noticed a certain damoiselle. She was fiiiiiineee, yaani she was all of that. His heart thawed. “Who she be?” He asked the cousin as she smiled their way beautifully. “Want a hook up?” He asked. ‘V’ was not the kind to get hooked up but this one, he was going to make an exception. She strutted towards them, face looking like it would take a sun ray, turn it to a rainbow and his heart raced like a cardiac patient.

‘V’ doesnt remember his first words to her but over the weekend, the first one of Feb, she reminded him of his cheesy and corny pickup line (It still worked anyway). “You dropped something!” She looked around and retraced her steps with her eyes. “No no no!, my jaw!” The smile got wider and ‘V’ smiled on the inside. “This is my cousin ‘V’, ‘V’, my friend Miss ‘S’.

Days went by and ‘V’, ever preoccupied never got to meet Miss ‘S’ much. However his cousin would pass by when he got home to drop salams from Miss ‘S’. One Wednesday when out to shop for breakfast (read chapoz that you would see through). Miss ‘S’ showed up. “Why don’t I make you real breakfast” How could ‘V’ refuse? The breakfast offered in this case didn’t matter, but to be near her and to be invited over to her place was a offer so grand.

Miss ‘S’ turned out to be a good chef. ‘V’ hadnt had such breakfast since like forever. Miss S told ‘V’ she was a ‘masseuse’. You should have seen his grin. Thinking how he would take advantage of this. She asked why she didnt see him regularly. He told her of his long and tiring working hours and his odd Wednesday offday. She promised him she could work out something for him. The grin got wider, it spread from his right ear to his left. On that day, ‘V’ didnt show how badly he would have loved to bone Miss S. She too must have wondered but he just wanted to take things slow. He knew massuse didnt have the best of reputation around.

‘V’ asked questions around and it turned out his hunch of the massuse part were right. Miss ‘S’ was a STRIPPER. ‘V’ didnt however break off the friendship created. He decided never to fall prey no matter what. Miss Stripper on the other hand pursued ‘V’ relentlessly, taking him by surprise. She would wait for him at the gate when he was about to get home and would take him to her place for nicely prepared meals. This sudden interest and special treats left him wondering what she saw in him. His pals thought he hit that thing and gossip folks talked. For that reason, ‘V’ decided to save his face and name and avoided Miss Stripper at all cost.

This hurt Miss Stripper big time. She wondered what might have happened since ‘V’ just showed no further interest in her. At one time, a year or so after the ‘breakup’, ‘V’ was having a pizza with a buddy of his and his fiance at Burger Dome and Miss Stripper showed up with a guy who looked like a contented ‘client’. She gave ‘V’ a dirty look and at some point came over to their table and smacked him with a piece the pizza she was having. Never mind the drama. Its a tale for another day.

To cut short the story, ‘V’ made up with Miss Stripper (He is a diplomatic like that ). So over the weekend, they were having a drink and decided to ask why she had interest in him, making dinner, breakfast on Wednesdays and doing his laundry. It was when he was told the ‘inside’ story. Turns out Miss Stripper was told by a ‘unreliable source’ (read ‘V’s cousin) that ‘V’ was a VIRGIN. She had sweared to be the one that teaches him the tricks between the sheets.

SG is still laughing at the thought of being ‘Mr. V’ as he ends this tale.